Another Friendship Bites The Dust

[Flasher]

*Note* I put this in the Debate Forum in case it turns into a "Technology Sucks - Technology Rocks" sort of discussion, which I don't intend. I just need to vent.


I normally don't open up here on the board. But, about 3 hours ago I offically lost the last real-life friendship I had. I've known her for 21 years. We were very close, spent time together, planned outings and parties together, talked all the time . . . until about 3 years ago. First she was into Myspace, then Facebook. The phone calls and visits all but stopped. No more Christmas or Birthday Cards, just e-greetings. No more stopping by to see how things were going. She pesters me all the time about joining Facebook so we could "chat". I should point out that we live two streets away from each other.



I was honest and told her how I felt and she tried to make more of a personal connection, but you could tell her heart wasn't in it.



Two months ago she got a new job in Cleveland (about an hour's drive from here). She got into the habit of calling me on her drive home - in rush hour traffic. At first I made excuses about not being able to talk to her. Then, I would just not answer. Finally, today, I decided to be honest. I told her I wasn't taking her calls because I did not want to be on the phone with her while she was driving 70 mph on Cleveland highways. I told her I didn't think it was safe and I'd prefer to talk when she got home.



She totally snapped and said "This is the only time I have to talk to you. If you don't want it then, I guess I'll see you when I see you." Then she hung up.



I get that Facebook serves a purpose. I get that cell phones serve a purpose. I get it. I think it's great for internet friends (like Cherries) and for friends and family that are separated by distance. I just feel really let down that someone who meant a lot to me, and one who I assumed felt the same way about me, would be so drawn to the computer, wanting to spend more time in front of a screen or on a cell phone than with actual people. In the time it takes her to log in, she could practically be at my door (or me hers.)



So, I'm sort of licking my wounds right now. I saw a plaque somewhere recently that said something to the effect of "Don't cry when someone walks out of your life. They're making room one that won't." Here's hoping.



Thanks for letting me vent.

[debamas]

Laura, so sorry about what you are going through. Even though you were honest with her, it hurts that she didn't understand. Sad too, that a friendship of so many years and I'm sure wonderful memories is falling apart. I think you did right in telling her how you felt about talking while she was driving. Maybe she'll get it, maybe not. It'll be up to her now to see if she comes to you and tries to make amends. It's not you that doesn't "want it" but you want it with quality, safety, one on one as it used to be. Is that too hard? No, I don't believe so and if she's spending time on f/b, etc. then she has time to call you or visit. Maybe, just maybe she'll talk to you again and try to understand. If not, then be prepared to move on. (((Hugs))) to you.

[1grandma]

(((HUGS))) I feel the same way at times. We all have to make unpleasant choices at times. I hope she will reconsider about talking and driving and you.

[oceanbreezes423]

Unfortunately, in this day and age of "technology", what you just went thru is becoming very common. People truly are losing the art of being a friend, and it is so sad. In fact, it seems that we are losing the human factor all together. I am one who does not live thru my phone/computer, and I love a good friend to sit with me and visit., I am so sorry for your loss, and the fact she did not realize what a friend she had. It truly is a sad thing when an electronic item replaces a hug and a cool drink!!!Hugs to you!!!

[PezKat]

Laura I'm so sorry! I'm an introvert and would love to make friends in the neighborhood but it's just not going to happen - I don't have kids or dogs which seems to be the main way to meet and get to know people. So I spend a lot of time online (I also have hated making phone calls my whole life, so I love email but can be bad about answering those too). But I can't imagine actually giving up a real-life friendship to spend more time online! I respect you for telling her you didn't want to endanger her while driving and she certainly should too; I'm sorry she doesn't see it that way. Perhaps it's just a phase and in time she'll see the error of her ways; perhaps not. {{Hugs}} to you!

[Ayla]

I am on Facebook because it is a way to keep up with the activities of my kids and my nephews and nieces, but I won't sit there and search for events and I don't play games. I am not much of one to talk on the phone, whether it be a cell phone or a house phone. I love having friends stop by... and I have been known to drive 700 miles just to surprise someone in person. But I have seen technology get in the way of a lot of good things...we NEED human contact!


I am so sorry for what you are going through, and I love the saying you found. Lots of hugs coming your way!

[Charleneanne]

I had a friend like that too. After a while I just quit calling her or asking her to do stuff or go places. Her computer and her computer games were the center of her universe. She begrudged even 10 minutes away from them to chat. But then her husband died suddenly and she discovered without him around, she had virtually nobody. We were all still friends with her DH but nobody cared if they saw her or talked to her. She had driven them all away with her "my computer games are more important" attitude. Over the last 2 years since he died, she has slowly rebuilt relationships with a few of us. Most don't trust her anymore not to "dump" them for the computer. It took her DH's death for her to realize people were more important.

I am sorry you lost your friend to her attitude and indifference. Even when you know you did nothing wrong, it hurts.

[MimaScraps/Lori]

I am so sorry that you've been hurt like this...how awful! Now that I am retired, I spend a lot of time on the 'net scrapping, organizing pictures. I also play Upwords to keep my brain moving!! My husband complains bc I am always in my computer room--not with him in the den watching TV. I just prefer to do this than to watch TV most of the time.


I am wondering if she is experiencing some changes in life--maybe depression.



Hugs to you!

[Art_Teacher]

I can certainly understand your hurt feelings and it really does stink that she can't see what she lost, replacing a long, personal friendship with the computer. Sounds like she may have an addiction, and just like other addictions, she can't see what she is doing to herself or others around her, right now. Maybe she will eventually realize it and get help. I know it doesn't make it better, but I also lost a friend that I roomed with for 3 years in college and was friends with all through school, because she thought her boyfriend (now her husband) had to have all her time. After many responses to suggestions we get together of, "dh has this event," or "I'm doing this or that with dh," I finally realized she never invited me to do anything with her, and she never bothered to make any time to do anything I invited her to do (even when my husband and I invited her and dh). So, now we are just acquaintances, and it makes me very sad. Some people just don't understand they need to make time to be a friend!


Hugs to you!

[gonecamping]

I completely understand where you are coming from. It's sad that she values the computer more than your friendship. People get wrapped up in the FB thing, and I admit I am one who plays alot of games on FB but never at the expense of being around my friends and family. I have/had a friend who has been like a sister to me since we were 14. 2 years ago, her and her DH and kids came over to our house, they live about 50 miles from us. She didn't like the shirt that my 16 yr old DS was wearing. She became very belligerent and hostile about it. I tried to diffuse the situation and make light of it. Since then, she has become very distant, doesn't call or try to keep in contact with me at all. In fact, last weekend she was in my town attending the college graduation of her son. We knew about it and called them and invited them over. They never stopped by or called. My DH said, thats it, no more calling them. Its very hurtful when someone close to you seems to cut all ties. ((((hugs))))

[beachlover]

I am truly sorry you haqve lost your good friend over this. I completely understand the dangers of driving while talking/texting and you were perfectly right in calling her out on it. It sounds like the friendship is more important to you than to her, unfortunately Hopefully in time she will realize her mistake and reconnect with you.


I do spend a decent amount of time on F/B myself, but its just for games, catching up with acquaintances or long distance friends/relatives and kibd of 'looking' to see the silly things my nieces and nephews post and teasing or commenting on that - yes everyone in my family is friends with each other, parents and kids alike



as for my closer friends though, I believe as well as the private messages available through f/b, texting, calling we also get together on regular basis and do thing. that is just the way it should be with close friends, IMO...



good luck, and ((((hugs))))!!! I truly hope she realizes she misses your friendship and comes back!

[Indy Scrapper]

Sorry this turned out the way it did Laura. I do play games on Facebook and have a community of friends from one particular game. But that game is not my life nor will I let it rule my life as I don't want to push away valuable friendships.


I agree with you that she should not be on the phone while driving the highways. And pray she does not learn that the hard way.



Hugs to you

Have you told her what you told us?

Maybe lay things on the table and have a discussion about where your friendship is...I know thats a scary process..

Sounds like she has had alot of changes too and maybe a hard time adjusting.

and maybe the whole internet/ technology thing has become so addicting that she has lost touch with the simple things..


Maybe send her a snail mail card... just to let her know your thinking of her....understand she is busy but always have the door open for her, meanwhile you make room for a life and friends to occupy your time..

maybe if you lack the time to spend with her, she will miss you and wake up..

Sometimes friendships fizzle, but one that long... sounds like its hitting a rough patch..all good friends go through rough patches.. I think some call it growth.. we all have changes and sometimes dont know how to handle them when we are in such strong friendships..

My advice..Give it time.. Give it space.. and Occupy yourself with new interests but dont shut the door on this..

[butterfly843]

Sending hugs, I'm so sorry. I know how tough losing long time friends is. After each loss I've experienced, I've had friends that I've known since elementary school stop talking to me and/or say some really hurtful things. Sometimes I feel that they think pregnancy loss is contagious and they don't want to catch it.

[mariangeles_spain]

I love the Internet, but I prefer to hug my friend in person... A big hug to you across the ocean

[sdwhru]

So sorry to hear about this. The internet/facebook has ruined some many friendships, relationships and/or marriages. It has some advantages, but it also has some disadvantages if you let it. Not only in it taking over your life and you neglecting your friendships but I'm like some of the other cherries to some it becomes an addiction. That being said I have a smartphone, too, that goes on the internet. I like to text but don't call so much. I spend some time on the phone at the office so when I'm off I don't want to. I TOTALLY understand about the talking & driving (the only thing I hate worse is the texting & driving). I would not like that, either. I used to play a few games on facebook but I decided I like my time better than being on there. I check facebook maybe once during the week day. Hardly ever during the weekends. I could care less. All the pictures on there that are re-shared all the time drive me up the wall. To see pics of the family is one thing, but the others just irritate me. {{{HUGS}}} for this happening to you. I pray it will smooth out. Or at least for you to feel some peace about it.

[1grandma]

Wow, she is just clueless! I hope she turns herself around soon. I had to quit playing FB games when I realized that I had been playing them for 10hours a day! I don't even know how that happened. But it did so I quit cold turkey. Now, I have time to talk with friends and dh again. (((HUGS)))

[scrappyjo]

So sorry this happened. I know EXACTLY how you feel. I lost a friend I had known since jr. High. We obviously went through LOTS together. When she was in trouble , I was always there for her..! I brought her books while she was in hospital, went through her divorce and re marriage, we watched each others kids...when she started having troubles with husband #2 I told her I was tired of being her friend that she only went to when she needed something from, I wanted her to call ME every once in a while to say hey, how are YOU doing .? I never dreamed she would never speak to me again!! I just wanted her to see it from my side and say yeah, you are right.. If I would have known that would end it , I would have never said it...but I should have known when she told me that she purposely stayed away from me for 2 months after the birth of my first daughter cause she was jealous...I guess even after all this time it still is painful...believe me I have tried many times over to make things right again...but she doesn't want any part of it... It's sad but I do have wonderful friends,...

[writerlady]

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I admire the fact that you love her so much that you don't want to her to risk her life to talk to you. I truly hope there is a chance you two can fix this. The internet has become "life" for some people, in my experience. When dh is home, he is online. He watches tv on his pc, and he spends all of his time (except dinner time) in his "office". When I asked him to spend more time with me, he brought his laptop. When he is out of the house, he "watches" his phone. It's just our way of life now. It makes me really sad, because I'm disabled, so I'm stuck at home almost 24/7. I just thank God for scrapbooking and the chance to talk (even on the internet) to a few people each day. It gets so darned lonely. I'm sorry to dump this here, but I really needed to vent, too. (((hugs)))

[TheFiberLady]

sorry this has happened to you. i'm guilty of sitting on facebook at night at work due to i get to catch up on what my friends are doing and i have alot of friends that i simultaneously can chat with so that is nice. I talk to more people than I could possibly call in a day. my problem is is i work too much because i want to pay some bills off, right now i'm on a run of 8 days in a row and 5 of those are 12 hour days and they are all overnights, so if i'm not at work i'm sleeping because each day comes with an hour- and hour and a half drive one way too. i do multitask on my way home (and to work) and call everyone i can think of, partially to keep me awake so early in the morning, and partially because I need my sleep when i get home and need to spend a little time with my husband who i rarely see anymore, so i like to leave that time just for him and my furbabies. I would totally understand though if someone didn't want to talk to me while i'm driving 60 miles an hour, however. sad part is i usually only get one day off in a row so i feel guilty and stay home with my husband because he is lonely without me there. however i don't see anyone going way out of their way trying to come over to see me either lol. par for the course. i'll have more time for friends this summer when i cut back on my work hours.

anywho, sorry you lost a friend